Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Xmas stuff........

So.....there's chirpy tunes on the radio, the hardware store I like had lights for sale in August and hints are being dropped as often as a politician's pants at an intern holiday party. 

Gird your loins you few proud hordesmen, for once again Christmas is upon us like a car salesman just shy of quota. Don't get me wrong, I like the holidays mostly. I like eggnog with Jameson, my thermonuclear rumballs are fucking awesome (flamable and will get you loaded), dinner is good and where else can one average dude participate in the kind of insanity that really tragic 'reality tv' is made of?
As the evening progresses, Uncle Bob will do his "famous"(read as: drunken) impression of cousin Wally's birth complete with cocktail napkin simulated afterbirth, much to the horror of Wally and anyone else who may be sober(Cousin Wally needs to drink more). The matriarch will expend massive energy smiling at everyone except the patriarch who will then scuttle about trying to avert whatever disaster She Who Must Be Obeyed may or may not be gathering steam for, a baking dish will explode coming out of the oven destroying one of 27 dishes laid out for only 14 people feast upon. Indiscretions will occur, important family heirlooms will get knocked over, someone will fuck someone they shouldn't  and some well meaning friend of the family will once again attempt to save my mortal soul. 
Good times.....

So with this I give you my ten favorite tips for surviving the Holidays with your family, especially if they're as wacky as mine.

1) Drink. 
This year I'll begin my pickling process promptly at 6:30pm on the 22nd. This gives me a few full days to build up the appropriate level of self insulation. I'll start with a goof primer shot of Bushmills Black, later in the evening I'll work my way to Manhattans. After that I'll go for a more traditional approach to the holidays by mixing hot buttered 151 in one of my 6 gallon fermenting buckets. Scoop and go baby!

2) Stick with the 'Kids Table'. 
Trust me on this one, I've been thinking about it for a while now. Kids just have more fun. Fuck this grown up shit, too many political/religion/economy conversations.....yuck. Not for me, I'll be hanging out with a more entertaining crowd.

3) Drink.
See rule #1

4) Spread some cheer.
The knees of an attractive female make me cheerful. Boobies are good too. Nothing says Christmas like a good snog under the tree!

5) Eat. 
It's important to strength up whilst defiling one's self for the Holidays. Red meat, potatoes....real food. If your doctor or other half hates it...it's probably great!

6) Limber up.
It's good practice to stretch before a workout. Dodging smelly Aunt Matilda's too lingering/wet kiss on the cheek or Cousin Wally the banker's defense of WallStreet requires ninja like reflexes and the strength of a bull. 
Well...kicking the shit out of that little douche Wally doesn't take much the Auntie's bringing her A-game....be ready.

7) Drink.
See Rule #1
Also, if hooched up I may not be a likely to tell that story about my xxxxxx xxxxxx xx xxx with XX, which could either cause all sorts of trouble or really be funny. My bet is on trouble so I'm staying sauced. She really IS a xxxxx though..

I generally avoid 'news' for the most part as it's all fucking bad. Some asshole will green light a shitty news story for Christmas eve that will fuck up the whole holiday for someone else. Don't do it. Just leave that shit out for the holiday. Everyone will thank you. Unless it's John Stewart....he's a funny fucker.

9) Tell someone they rock.
It's simple, even a drunk can do it. Just make one person feel really good this Christmas, it doesn't take much. Not really. We're all so geared up for bad news, bad attitudes, bad breath, bad work bad food, bad etc.....think about the last random compliment YOU got. Unless you're a sociopath (you know who you are), you probably felt great and it likely stuck with you. Make someone's day.
10) Appreciate.
If someone goes to the effort to think of you and procure a gift for you, appreciate it. If I buy/make/steal a gift for someone I really want them to dig it, it's important to me. I've received some clunkers myself: No, I really don't need that ChiaHead but the fact that someone went out and got it is what matters. I can dredge up a little enthusiasm for almost anything if it makes the gifter feel good and shiny. 
Most of all, appreciate that same family that drives you to drinking, they're the only one you're likely to get and they know YOU too.

And since I've been slow to post, more pretty girls:

Christmas enough for me!

"Smokin' Hot still life.....with tree"

Happy Holidays you fucking nutjobs! I love ya!
(note: this one didn't post when it was supposed to and I dunno why so it's a week late.)

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